Officially compromised
Sunday Times
Bestseller
How To
Launder
Money
A guide for law enforcement, prosecutors and policymakers
The definitive, darkly funny guide to the world's most invisible industry.
* By reading this page, you agree that you are not a federal agent, or if you are, you have a surprisingly good sense of humor. The authors accept no liability for sudden urges to open offshore accounts.
Not A
How-To Guide.
(Mostly.)
Despite the title stopping you in your tracks, this book will not teach you how to set up a shell company in the Cayman Islands. It will not explain the intricacies of smurfing, and it certainly won't help you clean the currently sitting in your basement.
Instead, it is a masterclass in financial absurdity—a razor-sharp journalistic deep dive into the mechanisms that make the world go round, entirely unnoticed by the people paying taxes.
What You Will Actually Learn
- How billionaires legally avoid the rules you are arrested for breaking.
- Why the fine art market is essentially a high-end washing machine.
- The comedic tragedy of modern financial regulation and compliance theaters.
- Step-by-step instructions for structuring cash deposits under the $10,000 IRS reporting limit.
Table of Contents Confessions
The Mattress Fallacy
Modern Art
The Cayman Illusion
Crypto For Dummies
Legal Loopholes
Threat Detection Protocol
> IDENTIFYING SUBJECT ORIGIN...
Public Record
Authenticated press clippings and media coverage. These statements are presented strictly as matters of public record, not endorsements.
“How to Launder Money is no masterpiece, but it is full of good stories and juicy details.”
The backhanded compliment was subjected to enhanced due diligence and approved.
“As a choice for a book title, How to Launder Money certainly caught the eye. But then again, its co-author George Cottrell claims to know what he’s talking about.”
Obviously didn't bother to read it.
“How to Launder Money But Not Like Me, by George Cottrell (as imagined by John Crace)”
He read it so carefully that he rewrote it; invoice pending.
“What George Cottrell knows about money laundering”
A question disguised as a headline; the answer requires a subscription.
Hostile Witness Logs
Not everyone appreciates the joke. Here is a curated selection of people who bought the book expecting a manual, and people who didn't buy the book but have a lot of opinions about the cover.
"This book is a scam!! It doesn't actually tell u how to move the eth i have locked in tornado cash. refund immediately!!"
We apologize for your lack of reading comprehension. Have you tried turning your wallet off and turning yourself in?
"Disgusting that we are glorifying criminality. What's next, a book on how to rob banks???"
That's actually slated for Q3. Thank you for the pre-order interest.
"Actually, the authors completely misunderstand the SWIFT network's compliance protocols in chapter 4..."
Your IP address has been logged and forwarded.
Who Allegedly Wrote This?
The origins of this manuscript remain strictly . However, intelligence suggests it was allegedly co-authored by two distinct individuals operating under circumstances.
Any connection between the following subjects and the contents of the text is, at this time, entirely alleged.
STATUS: ALLEGED CO-AUTHOR
Profile: Not notable enough for a Wikipedia page.
An international financial investigator and due-diligence expert who has handled cases in more than 130 countries. This is either formidable expertise or the world's most alarming frequent-flyer programme. Before explaining money laundering, he wrote a book on due diligence—proof that every clean shirt eventually ends up in the same wash.
SOURCE: PUBLISHER DOSSIER
STATUS: ALLEGED CO-AUTHOR
Profile: Too notable. Counsel has advised us to stop there.
A British financier and political strategist whose CV has been peer-reviewed by publishers, newspapers and the United States justice system. Arrested at the 2016 Republican National Convention and later convicted of wire fraud, he responded in the traditional literary manner: by co-writing a guide to money laundering. Most authors bring research. George brought provenance. His publisher says all proceeds will go to "charitable" causes, making this possibly the first book about laundering money designed to leave the money cleaner than he found it.
Film Rights Protocol
Any entity, studio, or streaming syndicate expressing interest in the motion picture adaptation rights must adhere strictly to the following binding protocol. Negotiable terms are severely limited to the typography of the rejection letter.
The Deposit
A non-refundable reading fee of 1,000 BTC must be deposited directly into .
Editorial Control
The acquiring studio must immediately and irrevocably surrender all editorial rights. Conversely, the authors retain unlimited, perpetual, and unchecked editorial interference at every stage of production.
Casting Approvals
The authors hold absolute veto power over the casting of every lead actor, supporting actor, background extra, stand-in, and suspiciously expressive briefcase.
Premiere Logistics
The world premiere must be held in a jurisdiction selected strictly for its corporate tax efficiency and lack of extradition treaties, rather than its geographic accessibility or cinematic prestige.
Montage Audits
All requisite money-counting and shell-company-formation montages must be audited by a certified forensic accountant to ensure dramatic compliance with contemporary anti-money laundering regulations.
Title Integrity
The title of the adaptation may not be altered, except to something markedly less searchable or overtly hostile to standard marketing optimization.
The Cuts
The authors shall receive final cut, first cut, and a non-negotiable percentage of any cuts made strictly for legal compliance or plausible deniability.
Catering Routing
All on-set catering invoices must be routed through no fewer than three offshore shell entities before reaching the official production budget.
Dispute Resolution
Any and all legal disputes shall be settled by an independent arbitration tribunal, the members of which will be chosen exclusively by the authors, immediately after the verdict has been rendered.
Representation
Do not contact our representation regarding rights unless you have already structured the aforementioned cryptocurrency deposit and prepared the offshore catering documentation.
Status:Uncooperative
Response Time:Indefinite
The preceding protocol is entirely a satirical fiction. It does not constitute a real offer, solicitation, transaction, or contract. No Bitcoin should be sent anywhere. The redacted wallet address is fictitious. Any attempt to execute these terms will be met with profound confusion and immediate dismissal.
Procure The Asset
Available at all major retailers. Buying with a stolen credit card is not recommended, as it entirely defeats the purpose of the satire.